Fox in Boots
by Letta
Summary: You know that story ‘Puss in Boots’? This isn’t it. It’s better. Besides, that story’s wrong anyway, so you should thank me for writing this the way it’s supposed to be because now you know the truth.


Title: Fox in Boots

Author: Letta

Rating: Pg-13

Warnings: Language, mutilation of a classic children's tale, and all general warnings associated with crack fics.

Disclaimer: I don't own any rights to Naruto or the "Puss in Boots" story and its variations, save this one.

A/N: I can't say what possessed me to write this, but watch me say 'to hell with characterization.'

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There was an old farmer who had three sons. When he passed away, he left all his land to his eldest son, Neji, because he would probably do the most with it. To his second son, Kiba, he left his ass, which, although it was a strong work mule, this inheritance reflected on the son, because Kiba was an ass. To the third son, Shikamaru, he left his pet fox, and for the life of him, Shikamaru could not figure out why, because he didn't even like foxes. 

Shikamaru was extremely lazy, and figured to himself that he would have to work twice as hard to feed himself and the fox, but if he just killed the fox and ate it, he could put off working for awhile. Maybe that was why his old man had left him the fox.

The fox, whose name was Naruto and for some unknown reason was capable of human speech, decided that he didn't much care for this plan. So instead, he went up to Shikamaru, who was sleeping in a field and kicked him awake with his hind legs –quite the feat for a fox.

"What? I'm sleeping."

"Give me a pair of your finest boots and a sack."

"No."

"Why not? It's not as if you're using them."

"If I give them to you, will you leave me alone?"

"Uh… sure," Naruto said. Then Shikamaru, satisfied, told Naruto where to find his boots and a sack, because Shikamaru sure as hell wasn't going to get up and get them for the fox.

The fox, like most foxes, was a very good hunter, so he went through the forest and set traps, which isn't something most foxes can do, but Naruto was rather unique. After setting all his traps, which was even more amazing since he didn't have opposable thumbs, he decided to take a stroll through the countryside and would check his traps in the evening.

During his stroll, he saw many peasants in the fields, toiling away.

"Whose field is this?" Naruto asked, not that he really cared, because he didn't, but he liked to see the looks on people's faces when they realized he could talk.

Naturally, the peasants where a bit alarmed when a little red fox came up to them and started asking them questions.

"It belongs to the ogre," they all said.

"Ogre?" Naruto asked. At which, they nodded fearfully.

"He lives in a big castle and he can change shapes."

Now, most people would be a little skeptical about a shape-changing land-owning ogre, but Naruto was a talking fox, which is just as skeptical. Also, although Naruto was very smart for a fox, he was still a fox, and normal foxes were dumb in comparison to humans.

This probably put him somewhere just above the uneducated peasants –mostly because their masters didn't want them thinking much -it had a tendency to lead to revolts.

At least foxes were tricky.

Of course, he was probably smarter than the peasants, who were, as stated previously, generally uneducated and were susceptible to ploys by various monarchies and governments. Plus, peasants seemed to enjoy the mob mentality, so if they were told by their lords and kings that all they should really focus on was farming and feeding their families, they listened. Leave the politics to the politicians.

Centuries later, people would look back and say, "Wow, we were dumb." Unless, of course, they were descended from nobility.

In the evening after going past a few fields, Naruto decided that, ogre or no, he had a lot of damn land.

So Naruto shrugged it off for later and went to go check his traps in case Shikamaru decided that he was hungry and fox sounded tasty.

It turned out that the forest was full of animals and Naruto caught enough to fill his sack up and it was a large sack. He accredited this not to a fox's natural ability to hunt, but to his own genius (which he was by fox standards, but by human standards it was highly debatable).

On the way back to Shikamaru, however, Naruto saw the castle belonging to the king and had what he would term a "pretty sweet idea". So he went up to the castle guards, gave them the cute-big-eyed-fuzzy-wuzzy-animal look, and told them he had a gift for the king.

The guards, being guards, and thus susceptible to such trickery by furry forest animals, escorted Naruto into the castle, which made a couple of other guards annoyed, because they had to cover the vacated post.

Naruto had figured it was about supper time, and although he could do many things, he couldn't cook, because really, where was a damn fox going to learn to cook?

The fox was led into the large throne room, where the king (a fairly jovial man with wild hair and a strong appreciation for the female form) was waiting until it was time to eat with his family and select members of the castle staff and various advisors -who were mildly proficient at their stations, but mostly knew how to suck up.

Naruto bowed low to the ground, accidentally hitting his forehead on the floor, and saying, "My master, Shikamaru, the Marquis de Carabas, has sent this gift of wild game that he and his hunting party have captured." Foxes are also skilled liars.

Naruto loosened the neck of the sack and pulled out a fat grouse to illustrate his message, while holding up the bag to show that there was more than just the one bird.

The king grinned, because he hadn't had much grouse since he was a prince and had more free time on his hands to go out in the woods and shoot arrows at birds. He was lucky these days if he had the time to throw a rock at them.

He wasn't even phased that a fox was wearing fancy boots and talking to him, and somehow managed to hold a bag and a grouse in his paws, despite lacking opposable thumbs.

"Hey Kakashi, go tell the cooks we're having grouse," the king said to a strange masked man who was reading a brightly colored book, but really wasn't any stranger than a talking fox.

To Naruto, the king said, "Join us for supper, and you can tell your master I said, 'Thanks'".

The cooks were pretty upset that they had to change their plans when they were midway through cooking the main course, but they made due, because they didn't have a choice. They were just cooks, and the king was known for having been a pretty awesome warrior in his younger days, before he took up writing books. So the cooks had a tendency to be wary, though when it came to the queen, they hid, because she was terrifying.

During the supper, the king was so happy about having a sack full of woodland animals to eat, that he started drinking. During this time, he decided that Naruto was probably a brat, but he would be willing to teach him how to fight, because who would ever suspect a fox of being able to fight like a warrior?

The king's three daughters were pretty embarrassed by their father's behavior, but at the same time, they weren't at all surprised. Besides, their mother, the queen (a lovely blonde woman who scared the crap out of our dear fox with her temper bouts), would sock the king in the jaw whenever he got too excited.

At the end of the evening, Naruto bid his farewell, and managed to convince one of the servants to get him a bag of the leftover food for his trip home (which he claimed was terribly long and fraught with danger).

Then, the little fox scurried home which really wasn't all that far away, to his young master, Shikamaru, who was taking his evening nap.

When he came through the door, the young man woke up.

"Good, you're back," he said, as he unsheathed his knife, "I'm hungry, so I'm going to eat you."

"Wait!" Naruto screeched, which sounded really funny coming from a fox. "I brought you supper!"

Then the little fox held up the bag of leftovers from the king's banquet and put in on the table in the small, one roomed house, keeping a respectable distance between himself and the guy with the knife.

Shikamaru was intrigued by the prospect of not putting any effort into a meal (since catching, killing, skinning, and general preparing of a fox took some time and work), so he looked in the bag and was about as delighted as he got when he saw that there was cooked food inside, even if it was cold.

"I guess I won't kill you yet."

So Naruto was safe for another day, because Shikamaru usually didn't get up until late morning, and Naruto had plans to be gone trapping by then.

The next day was much the same as the first.

Naruto laid a bunch of traps throughout the woods, and then scampered around the countryside for the day, doing the whole fox-thing, swinging by the castle in the evening, and getting some leftovers to avoid being killed when he got home.

This pattern continued on for about a week. Until one evening, Naruto overheard the servants talking about how the king was going to be taking a ride in the countryside the next day.

Naruto, being of the fox species, and therefore, naturally tricky, began to think of what he considered a brilliant plan on the way home.

When he got in through the door, waking Shikamaru from his evening nap, he proposed a plan for the next day. "Hey, what do you say we go fishing tomorrow? We can get food and barely do any work for it."

To Shikamaru, this sounded like a good idea, besides, as annoying as the damn fox was, it was kind of growing on him.

So the next day, Shikamaru and Naruto went to a fishing pond somewhat near the road. After a while, Naruto managed to convince his master that it was a really hot day, but looking at the clouds and floating on your back would be the perfect swim, because it was cooling with no effort involved.

So Shikamaru shucked his clothes and did just what the little fox suggested. Then, Naruto waited until he heard the crunch of wagon wheels, horse hooves, and trumpets before he stole Shikamaru's clothes, threw them in the woods, and ran to the road.

"Help, help, my master is drowning!"

Of course, the carriage stopped to see what the commotion was about, and the king, who was mentioned earlier about deciding on a carriage ride, popped his head out one of the windows to see what was going on.

"Thieves stole my master's clothes and tried to drown him!"

Recognizing the fox, because it was the only talking fox he had ever met, he commanded that the guards go to save Naruto's master. He also sent a pair of clothes, because kings are in the habit of traveling around with an extra pair of clothes, even if it is just for a ride in the countryside.

Naruto ran back to the pond.

"Quick! Pretend like you're drowning!"

"That seems like a hassle."

"They'll be here any second!"

"Who'll be here?"

Naruto's ears perked as he heard the king's men run up, and the little fox dove into the water just before they came into view. In an instant, Naruto clamped his jaws around Shikamaru's ankle and did his best to swim downwards.

Shikamaru, for his part, kicked and screamed.

The king's men grabbed hold of Shikamaru's flailing arms and hauled him onto shore. Naruto followed.

"I jumped in to try to help, but I'm afraid I was not of much use. Thank you, gentlemen, for saving my master, the Marquis de Carabas," Naruto said, lowering his head to his front paws in an imitation of a bow.

Before the lazy master could correct him, publicly in front of trained killers for the king, Naruto nudged him.

"If they find out I lied and you're not the Marquis de Carabas, they'll kill us both."

This probably wasn't true, but regardless, Shikamaru did not want to risk his life unnecessarily, or possibly get thrown in a dungeon and forgotten for years if he could avoid it. Even if he was fairly certain this wasn't a good idea, either. Troublesome when he didn't know just what, exactly, his lying fox had told them.

It didn't help when he saw the spare set of clothes that was brought for him to wear, because based on the quality and the fabrics; it was obvious to him that Naruto had been speaking falsehoods to some very important and therefore very dangerous people.

When the young man was led back to the carriage and saw that it belonged to the king, he could have strangled the little fox, figuring that for once, it was probably worth the effort. Unsurprisingly, Naruto was keeping himself well out-of-reach.

"So I meet the Marquis that has been sending me gifts of game and owner of such an impressive fox!"

Shikamaru was suddenly nervous.

"Meet my daughters and my wife."

Beside the carriage were three princesses and the queen. Shikamaru had to try very hard to look the queen in the face, but did she have to wear such low-cut clothing? The first princess, a blonde with a ponytail, looked like she had more attitude than Shikamaru was willing to deal with, so did the second (who somehow had pink hair that he was sure couldn't possibly be natural), but for the record, Shikamaru avoided confrontations involving women like the plague. The last princess he figured he could put up with, mostly because she looked like she'd rather hide under a rock than talk to anyone.

Strange, though, how not a one of them looked anything at all like their father…

Naruto allowed everything to play out, and he took off, his devious fox-mind working in overdrive as he planned out his scheme.

If he could stay just far enough ahead of the carriage, and if the planned route complete with noted pit stops that he had coerced from the driver (through use of the cute-big-eyed-fuzzy-wuzzy-animal look) was anything to go by, then he figured he could maybe, probably, possibly pull it off, maybe.

He came to the first field, previously mentioned to be owned by an ogre, after a few minutes, and got the attention of the workers.

"When a carriage comes by, tell the occupants that this field belongs to the Marquis de Carabas."

They all looked at each other uncomfortably for a few seconds before one of them spoke.

"If we do that and the ogre who owns this field was to find out, he'd eat us."

Naruto thought that was a crappy work environment. He'd bet the retention rate would probably be nonexistent if peasants weren't ruled by fear and the occasional mob.

Peasants were notorious for forming mobs and going crazy with it.

"Look, I'm a talking fox. That most likely means I'm some sort of magical being and I will breathe fire on you and burn your homes and children if you don't do as I say."

Peasants were also notoriously gullible.

When the king rode by and asked whose field it was, because kings are nosy like that, terrified and sobbing peasants told him it belonged to the Marquis de Carabas. The king was undoubtedly impressed.

Shikamaru fought the urge to hold his head in his hands in misery.

The next two fields were the same story.

Then the little fox found himself running up the road to a large castle. According to some peasants, it was where the shape-shifting ogre lived. For some reason, there were a lot of castles in the area –probably more than necessary or useful for the amount of land they were designed to rule over.

With a bit of hesitance, but after reminding himself that ending up in a pot was not a favorable outcome; Naruto raised his paw, and did his best to knock.

However, fox paws were not designed for knocking.

"Hey, hey! Ogre! You have a guest, open your door!"

The little fox waited impatiently for a few moments until the door opened, and a yellow-eyed, pale-faced ogre with stringy black hair appeared.

He didn't look so scary, as Naruto imagined he would, but more gaunt and with a bad fashion sense. It looked as if he had found a really thick piece of purple rope and decided, 'to hell with it, this is my new belt'.

"Hi, I'm Naruto!" the little fox chirped.

"You can talk…" for some reason, this seemed strange to a shape-shifting ogre. Naruto couldn't imagine why that would be hard to swallow for this guy.

"And you can change shapes, or so I hear."

"Yes, it's something I can do."

"So, uh, can I see?"

If the request was odd, the ogre gave no indication. After doing some strange hand signals, the ogre disappeared in a puff of smoke, appearing instead as a butterfly high above Naruto's head. A few seconds later, the butterfly was consumed by smoke and became a little hummingbird, still well over Naruto's head.

"People are afraid of you?"

The ogre reappeared, a scowl on his face. "Then how about this? People fear these!"

In the next moment the ogre was a viper.

"Dude, I don't fucking like snakes."

The ogre reappeared and Naruto continued.

"Besides, that's not hard, you don't even have to have arms or legs. How about a rabbit or a chicken or something?"

The ogre glared, before turning into a rabbit to prove that, yes, he was that good.

At which point, Naruto decided to prove the same thing involving his reflexes, and pounced on the ogre, going for his throat.

Then he entered the castle with the body of the rabbit in tow. Inside he found terrified servants –which seemed to be very common in these parts.

"I'm the great fox wizard, Naruto. This castle now belongs to your new master and my old, Shikamaru, the Marquis de Carabas."

Peasants and servants were notorious for their fear of wizards.

They didn't seem to know if they had been saved or out of the frying pan and right into the fire.

"The master will be here soon with his guests, if you want to keep your wretched lives, ready his meal."

There was hesitation, before one of the servants spoke in a timid voice, "The evening meal has already been prepared, Mr. Fox-wizard, sir, for the, uh, former master."

"Oh."

Naruto sat on his haunches, the rabbit still somehow dangling from his mouth after his introduction and subsequent orders.

He scratched himself with a hind leg.

"Well, then, cook this rabbit."

One of the servants was pushed forwards by the others to grab it.

"The, uh, master likes sesame seeds on his rabbit… and sautéed in butter with almonds… with that sweet sauce for dipping… mmm… oh that's good…" Naruto said, licking his chops and drooling.

When the king's carriage arrived at the castle, Naruto went out to greet them, doing his fox's imitation of a bow.

"Welcome to my master's castle. The servants have prepared a meal for you all, please come and make yourselves comfortable."

The king was quite impressed with Shikamaru's 'wealth' and immediately offered the hand of one of his daughters in marriage. Kings were fond of making hasty decisions with their daughters' marriages.

Knowing it was foolhardy to refuse such an offer, lest he offend the king who had an army at his command, Shikamaru looked at the three princesses, and pointed to the third one, _the quiet one_.

She had barely said a word the whole ride.

"Eh, that one… I guess."

"Ahaha! Good choice!" He leaned over to Shikamaru, "She's my favorite; she's not high maintenance like her mother and sisters."

Then the king turned to his shy child.

"Hinata, you lucky girl," he said, patting his daughter on the back, who was blushing furiously, "I guess I'll have to give you one of my books for your wedding night!"

The poor girl looked mortified.

Then the king wandered inside, his family following while Naruto verbally directed the royal attendants to the stables.

Shikamaru walked up to the fox, who looked rather pleased with how devious he had proven himself to be.

"I'm not going to ask how you did this, because I don't really care, but I'm definitely going to eat you because of it."

Naruto's eyes widened, "Why? You have plenty of food now!"

"You got me a _wife_."

Naruto blinked.

"You ungrateful bastard! Besides, that one probably won't ever even bother you –have you seen her? She's as skittish as a _field_ mouse! It'll probably take months for her to even work up the courage to say _one-damn-word_ to you!"

Shikamaru decided to walk away and inside to the meal at that point, hoping the fox would take the hint and shut up.

"…You should be _thanking_ me. You'd probably end up stuck with some angry _nag_, if not for me…" Naruto continued as he followed his master further into the castle, listing all the reasons why Shikamaru should be forever appreciative of him, and why he shouldn't _ever_ cook him and eat him, making the young master wish he had never said anything to begin with.

_And they all lived happily ever after._

The End.

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A/N: I think the quality of this is about on par with the quality of my crack drabbles. 


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